Sugar Coating: Because you can't handle the truth.

Come on, you know we all do it and for reasons I’ll get into below, we feel we must! It’s commonplace; it’s acceptable; and I venture to say that most of the time, people know we’re doing it and they are okay with it! *shaking my head*

  • Why is it that being truthful gets put in the same bucket as being offensive or rude (not withstanding the WAY the truth is delivered)???
  • How often do we sugar coat the truth to our own selves???
  • What do you think the world would be like if people were bred to be honest, mature, and courageous and actually wanted the truth????
  • Why are people who are blunt and say what they feel are regarded as jerks??? (I know, sometimes they really are!)
  • Have we all just gone soft???
  • Have you ever asked a question and someone gave you an honest answer but you didn’t like it and got mad???

Sugar coating – because people can’t handle the truth!

 

sugar coating: because you can't handle the truth

Why We Have to Sugar Coat Things

The first thing that comes to my mind is because we’ve been bred to believe that we shouldn’t hurt anybody’s feelings.

Me: So lying is better Ma?

Ma: Yes, baby. If you tell her/him the truth, they will cry.

Me: Oh, so they’re punks.

Ma: Weeelllll, we’ll call them “sensitive“…

Okay, so maybe the conversation didn’t go exactly like that but that’s what I learned from a similar convo. What about you? Doesn’t this sound like what you grew up with? What parents, teachers, and others have led you to believe?

Well, as I get older, most of the time, I end up not saying anything if I can’t find something positive/helpful to say (another childhood lesson I”m sure most of us learned). Yes, I’d rather bite my tongue than sugar coat these days. ย I find picking my battles with certain people, keeping my thoughts to myself, and maintaining relationships are much more satisfying than setting people off because, though they asked for it, they didn’t really want to hear the truth. ๐Ÿ™‚

So we sugar coat because:

  • we want to spare others’ feelings
  • fear of judgement
  • to get what we want/manipulate
  • oh and how dare we tell the honest-to-goodness truth to those we love and care about!

Isn’t It Better to Learn from the Truth?

I don’t know about you but I’d rather learn and grow from the truth than to think everything’s gravy. Think about it: if you try to “sweeten up/beat around the bush/make light of” the truth, it may not be in my best interest. I think it’s better that all of us want the truth and, in turn, give it back to others.

Now, this doesn’t mean that we go around doing it with the intent to hurt people. That’s not what I’m saying. We’re adults here, supposedly, so you know what I mean.

Over to you…

Soooo,ย would you rather someone sugar coat things to youโ€ฆorย would you want him/her to be straight up, even if your ego will be crushed??? Also, think about the last time you sugar coated something….what was the reason? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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Wassuper, it’s yo girl, Kesha and I believe we should Be the Fruit Loop in a world full of Cheerios because life is more interesting when you dare to be different and challenge what’s “normal!” I am wildly passionate about helping highly driven women pursue fantabulous relationships, juicytastic careers/bizzes, and authentically inspired lives. Let’s work together to rethink, redo, and reinvent so you can live life YOUR way!
Sugar Coating: Because You Can’t Handle the Truth!
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  • You threw too many instances into the pot- and now we no longer have a clean soup, but an unkosher stew ๐Ÿ™‚
    There are places where sugar coating is needed (useful?) and places where it does more harm than good.
    You have a three year old. Desperate to dress itself. It did. Nothing matches, and one button is off. You can fix the button (or not) and laud the child for its independence. You live with the green and purple outfit.
    You have a six year old. Who spent two hours working on a drawing. It’s for school. You don’t have a clue how that is the Taj Mahal. But, the child is positive. You say “great effort”.
    You have a ten year old. Who just ran in a race and came in 45th out of 100. And, managed to come within 10 seconds of it’s best time. Do YOU say “Oh, well, we’ll do better next time?
    You have a sixteen year old. Who is scared s…less about the SAT’s. Is smarter than the average bear AND the whole class. And, gets a 1400 on the exam (the new one, where the max is 2400). Besides working on the anxiety, what would you say?
    You have a twenty-one year old, who is just about to finish TheGreatU with a 3.69 cum. And, it’s 3.70 for Summa Cum Laude. What would you say?

    I think you get the idea.

    • Hey Roy, always grateful for your feedback. However, in the instances you mention, I don’t see what sugar coating needs to be done… I’m thinking in all of these cases, I’d be offering encouragement rather than a “sugar coated truth”.

      1) 3 yr old – I’d be encouraging them to be even more independent and teach them how to button up properly. No sugar coating needed. Just because they didn’t it right doesn’t mean I have to lie about it not being right.
      2) 6 yr old – 2 hours working on a drawing? Heck yeah that’s a great effort! No lie or sugar coating needed. Now if it doesn’t look like the Taj Mahal, I’d show him what it looks like and if he decides to do anything different, it’s on him/her. E (excellent) for effort on this one ๐Ÿ™‚
      3) 10 yr ol – Why I am being negative? Saying “oh well, you’ll do better next time” isn’t my sentiment. I’d give an ‘at-a-boy for effort here too. No one wins at everything first of all. Secondly, I’d be encouraging for them to give it their all the next time as well.
      4) 16 yr old – What would I say? The truth! If the 1400 isn’t high enough for him/her to move forward with what they want to do (college entrance i.e.), we take it back to the drawing board and get some more studying done. If it is and they don’t need a high score, problem solved. I don’t see where I have to lie or sugar coat here.
      5) 21 yr old – Obviously they put in some effort, so a good job well done in my book. Nothing else needed. What am I sugar coating?

      Basically, I’m not seeing where the sugar coating come in from the examples you’ve provided. Did I miss something?

      I’m really talking about instances like the following:

      1) A friend asks you what you think about his new girlfriend who he’s become smitten with yet you get a different vibe from her. Do you tell him what you’re thinking or just say, “Oh, she’s sweet.”?
      2) The infamous question women ask for some reason, “Do I look fat in this ____?” – why lie? Because if she looks fat in it, she’s not serving anybody for looking crazy in that outfit! LOL

      More seriously, I am talking when people ask you your opinion especially but you don’t tell them for fear of their (negative) reaction.

      I’m gonna think of some more examples and post them ๐Ÿ™‚

      ~K

  • Katrina

    To be honest it will depend on who the person is….some people are simply asking questions fishing for compliments, some people are genuinly asking, some are very sensitive (as in the dress situation, I have a friend who would probably disolve into a puddle of tears that would last all day if I said straight out that dress makes your butt look the size of a sherman tank and your boobs look like they need a rope to keep them in place….in that case I would say something along the lines of I reckon we can find something that would suit you better….in fact I would probably try to cut that off even earlier by offering to go with them shopping in the first place)
    Some people are sensitive for other reasons that you do need to sugar coat, a friend whose parents have been down on them their whole life has to be treated with more sensitivity when asking the clothes situation, my 18 year old daughter….when I start laughing over the dress she’s tried on, it’s enough and she understands what I’m getting at….The girl friend one….I prefer to keep a friendship rather than lose it….I never bad mouth someone’s friend/girl friend choice, and that’s not just to protect their feelings….just because I don’t like them or get bad vibes does not make them a bad or not nice person, it just means that we hava a personality difference and are possibly not going to get along…that is personal for me.
    I really do treat every person and situation differently, their are the people who get the blunt honest truth from me and they ask me because they know I will be truthful, those who get the sugar coated truth and then there are those who I just don’t answer or wriggle my way around it

    • “Wiggle” LOL funny…yes, that was me ๐Ÿ™‚

      And girl, I’m thinking right now about all the chicks who I see who do look pretty crazy in their clothes (especially these young girls), somebody SHOULD be telling them the truth! LOL I couldn’t let my friends go out and look like some of these people do these days and they wouldn’t let me go out like that either.

      I know I live in my own world and want us all to be different where brutal honestly is not just valued, but expected AND want us all to be born that way ๐Ÿ™‚ I know; wishful thinking!

      I appreciate your feedback Katrina!!

      ~K

  • Now Kesha (aka…) you know I have never truly been one for sugar-coating but I do agree it truly has its place. I have instead learned that BRUTAL truth and plain truth are very different and some of us who strive to “keep it real” blur those lines repeatedly. It is better to tell your best girl friend that that dress does not flatter her figure; however telling her how much she resembles the 2 hams stuffed in a burlap sack is not the best approach. I think that is where people get confused. Lying…(or sugar coating) is what people do today instead of telling the truth. The truth does not always have to sting quite so badly…its the approach to every avenue we take that gets to the right path. make sense? Just my 2 or 3 cents. lol

    • Heeeyyyy boo boo! Thanks for stopping in and dropping your 3 cents on me. I’ll use that when we go to the movies ๐Ÿ˜‰

      Girl, you know I live in Kesha-land most of the time. I always think about this topic when asked a question and debate whether or not to tell the whole truth, no truth, or just sugar coat. It depends on the person but I would rather not have to even go through the distinction. So, again, I’d just rather keep quiet and keep my thoughts to myself.

      You remember I said I sometimes ask people, “Do you want me to tell you the truth or you want me to lie to ya?” LOL These are the times I ponder the sugar coating aspect of the truth.

      The truth is only “brutual” when it bruises an ego. Otherwise, it’s just truth (which is what I would love it to be all the time). Of course, I understand when it’s needed which is why we all do it. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way ESPECIALLY when everybody keeps repping that they WANT the truth…you feel me? ๐Ÿ˜‰

      Now give me a whole lot more cents to pay for that movie!

      ~K

  • I really never learned the art of sugar-coating stuff! LOL I live my what my Mother and Grandmother told me growing up:

    “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all!”

    So, that’s what I do! LOL

  • Princess/Danica (@Eclectically_P)

    I agree we have become soft…Charmin soft. I understand the concept of sugar-coating to spare feelings, however I do not think its acceptable in certain instances like Ms. Kesha listed above. We do ourselves and others a disservice by doing this. Now if its something minute then it’s not a big deal, but if it’s something of substance then I believe it is our duty to serve them the truth on a platter. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • I’ve always thought this to be cultural. Where I’m from (the Virgin Islands) people will (as we say) “cut you and cut you quick” … meaning tell you the raw truth and keep it pushing. That’s how I am BUT … I moved to the states and found people to be … uh … delicate, so I sometimes opt for silence (I don’t lie to folk. My therapist once said I have 2 settings: truth and silence *HA*)

    • LOL “delicate” is a nice way to put it! Truth and silence eh? Well, just be sure to “cut me and cut me quick” when you feel it’s necessary boo boo! ๐Ÿ™‚

      ~Kesha

      • Sonsea

        WOW you sure do have a lot of fans. And now i’m one of ’em! thanks Kesha your amazing!!

  • Ms Teach

    I’m from the UK and am studying to be a teacher. I think sugarcoating is a ridiculous concept and I resent that I am forced to do it daily. Although I accept that everyone is different and you need to encourage pupils to do well, there are some out there who do not want the encouragement. Schools spend more time and money on pupils who are naughty, and instead of saying ‘your son/daughter has a really bad attitude and needs to sort themselves out before they ruin any opportunities they may have’ schools turn it into ‘a rather lively and exuberent pupil who needs to know when it’s really time to focus’. I have known teachers who are miserable when they think of certain pupils, but when it comes to sending reports home teachers will ‘beat around the bush’ and sugar coat everything until all you have is one large bush-shaped sugar cube. The same can be said when we talk to pupils– I just don’t know where this fear of telling the truth has come from and even worse, I think that I am slowly being sucked into the sugary void. No one can say what they really think, no one learns from their mistakes, and no one is any wiser.

    • Yes, Ms. Teach, I totally agree with you. I think some people would be better off if they got off their high horse and ego trips and knew the truth. It can only do all of us justice!

      Thanks so much for sharing your experience and stopping by and I hope to see you back soon ๐Ÿ™‚

      ~Kesha

  • I normally tell it like it is.

    stopping by from #Flashback Friday on Chasing Joy

    • That’s right Ebony…a majority of the time, I think it’s the best way to go. Thanks for stopping over!

      ~Kesha

  • I would rather here it straight up, like the saying goes whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. …I can’t remember the last time I sugar coated something. I do think of the last time I had the opportunity to do so but didn’t. I can’t go into specifics but I always think, what would I want in this situation to happen, would i want my friend to tell me how it is or to tell me what they think i should hear because they don’t want to see me hurt. But I think if we sugar coat things instead of being honest aren’t we still hurting them in the end. Like your friend who is seeing a guy/girl who is definitely not right for them and they love them so you say stay, it’ll work out, when you know it won’t…you’re delaying the inevitable. hope that makes sense ๐Ÿ™‚ Stopping by from Chasing Joy’s #FBF ๐Ÿ™‚

    • So glad you stopped by deary! And to answer your question – YES, I wholeheartedly think that we are hurting them by not being truthful. Instead of beating around the bush, give it to them straight. I understand everybody is not wired to hear things like this. I mean who wants to? But if it’s our friend or someone we say we love, we need to just put it out there. It’s up to them do something with it, especially if solicited!

      my 2 cents… ๐Ÿ˜‰

      ~K

  • HowDareThey

    I like people to be diplomatic and courteous. Sometimes that is perceived as sugar coating. I do not like people to be blunt and rude. That is sometimes described as “telling the truth” or “telling things straight up” When people say they “tell things straight” they may be SUGAR COATING the fact that they are insensitive and rude.

    • Exactly – nothing wrong with being courteous and I’d venture to say it’s required (along with tact) regardless of what we’re saying. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Make it a fantabulous day!

  • GilmoreGlamourGal

    I think when people proudly proclaim that they “don’t sugarcoat” it sounds like they are patting themselves on the back for lacking in people skills. It’s like they are trying to give themselves a compliment for being nasty. Damn!

    • I’ve seen that too and I think it’s simply a fine line between being rude and nasty and sharing your truth. Tact is what is usually missing. Thanks for stopping in and sharing your thoughts! ๐Ÿ™‚