True love never needs an IF statement… Tweet This On Twitter
If you love me, you would…
Has anyone ever said this to you? Have you ever gotten the balls to say this to someone else? Don’t answer that yet because I don’t want you to feel bad when you finish reading what I have to say next!
This is one of my pet peeves. I cringe when I hear these words being said to another person. Seriously???
A Quick Lesson in Logic
Most people are really bad with logic and conditional statements, including if-then clauses, so we’re already off to a bad start. Here’s a refresher:
If (a), then (b).
The clause (a) introduced by If is called the hypothesis. It is what we are given or what we assume [You know what happens when you assume!]. It’s also the sufficient condition for the conclusion.
The clause (b) introduced by then is called the conclusion. It is the statement that “follows” from the hypothesis and is called a necessary condition.
So in essence, what you are saying when you say this phrase “If you love me, you would X” is that X is the necessary condition (or evil) that should occur because the hypothesis (you loving me) is true.
In addition, where people mess up is in assuming the converse is also true.
If (a), then (b) == If (b), then (a).
No boo! This is the expectation YOU’VE set up, not me. Love doesn’t work that way.
So you may be wondering why I hate this phrase so much. Here’s why…
On one hand, you’re setting up parameters for how I show MY love to YOU. Conversely, you are trying to manipulate me and I really hate that too. I find that it’s usually the control freak who feels they need to say this statement to get what they want. Yeah yeah, some would argue it’s not always done consciously. Regardless, it’s a load of BS. This one little phrase starts a lot of the difficulties in relationships. It can also be literally considered a form of abuse. All I know is this statement shouldn’t ever come out of one’s mouth, especially not to me or there’ll be consequences and repercussions. I’ll really show you how much I LOVE you! LOL
Similarly, it goes to show how far people will go to put a guilt trip on others. The receiver of this phrase will think – “Well, since I love this person, I better do/say/be this or he/she will think I don’t love them.”
What would Kesha say (W.W.K.S. – bumber stickers coming soon!) to that? SO WHAT!
One of the main ingredients of a healthy relationship experience is the freedom to be you while creating a trusting, loving, open dialogue with the other. That means sneaky, manipulative, guilt-ridden tricks don’t have a place here.
Could it all have started with this? John 14:15 – “If you love me, you will obey what I command.”
I don’t know. I just don’t think this phrase has a place in human relationships.
In order to set appropriate levels of satisfaction and fulfillment in partnerships, both parties should express their intentions and expectations. Say it on a bullhorn if you have to. Just be sure to get your point across and don’t assume anything. I’m still surprised at some of the unfair demands people subconsciously place on their partners.
Many of these expectations are based on assumptions that were shaped long before the relationship is formed. Here are some of the typical areas of assumptions in romantic relationships:
- Gender conditioning (what it means be a man or a woman)
- Role assignment (what it means to be a husband or a wife)
- Division of labor (who is supposed to do what—chores, household tasks, money matters)
Based on the assumptive areas listed above ingrained in people’s head, the first step is to LET GO! This is 2012 people. There is no place for unrealistic expectations when all you have to do is speak up. How about this: if you love your partner so much, you would set expectations instead of giving demands to get what you want!
Just because you’d do something for someone else because you love them doesn’t mean they have to do the same. Everybody shows love and care the best way they can and if how they’re showing love isn’t up to your standards and communication reveals they never will, then it’s time to do something different. End of story….
Think about this: Before you set the stage for how someone should show their love for you and demand they do your bidding, consider your own so called love. If you loved that person unconditionally you wouldn’t think that a conditional statement is necessary. It’s an impossible sentence with inherent contradictions and pitfalls and benefits no one.
Note: There’s a Facebook page entitled “if you love me you would make an effort to make this relationship work” – no, I’m not linking to it because I don’t need you to support this crap…
What do you think about the phrase “If you love me, you would…?” I’d love to hear your thoughts below in the comments!
P.S. If you love me, you would share this post… LOL See much of a guilt trip it can be