True love never needs an IF statement… Tweet This On Twitter
If you love me, you would…
Has anyone ever said this to you? Have you ever gotten the balls to say this to someone else? Don’t answer that yet because I don’t want you to feel bad when you finish reading what I have to say next! 
This is one of my pet peeves. I cringe when I hear these words being said to another person. Seriously???
A Quick Lesson in Logic
Most people are really bad with logic and conditional statements, including if-then clauses, so we’re already off to a bad start. Here’s a refresher:
If (a), then (b).
The clause (a) introduced by If is called the hypothesis. It is what we are given or what we assume [You know what happens when you assume!]. It’s also the sufficient condition for the conclusion.
The clause (b) introduced by then is called the conclusion. It is the statement that “follows” from the hypothesis and is called a necessary condition.
So in essence, what you are saying when you say this phrase “If you love me, you would X” is that X is the necessary condition (or evil) that should occur because the hypothesis (you loving me) is true.
In addition, where people mess up is in assuming the converse is also true.
If (a), then (b) == If (b), then (a).
No boo! This is the expectation YOU’VE set up, not me. Love doesn’t work that way.
The Problem…
So you may be wondering why I hate this phrase so much. Here’s why…
On one hand, you’re setting up parameters for how I show MY love to YOU. Conversely, you are trying to manipulate me and I really hate that too. I find that it’s usually the control freak who feels they need to say this statement to get what they want. Yeah yeah, some would argue it’s not always done consciously. Regardless, it’s a load of BS. This one little phrase starts a lot of the difficulties in relationships. It can also be literally considered a form of abuse. All I know is this statement shouldn’t ever come out of one’s mouth, especially not to me or there’ll be consequences and repercussions. I’ll really show you how much I LOVE you! LOL
Similarly, it goes to show how far people will go to put a guilt trip on others. The receiver of this phrase will think – “Well, since I love this person, I better do/say/be this or he/she will think I don’t love them.”
What would Kesha say (W.W.K.S. – bumber stickers coming soon!) to that? SO WHAT!
The Assessment…
One of the main ingredients of a healthy relationship experience is the freedom to be you while creating a trusting, loving, open dialogue with the other. That means sneaky, manipulative, guilt-ridden tricks don’t have a place here.
Could it all have started with this? John 14:15 – “If you love me, you will obey what I command.”
I don’t know. I just don’t think this phrase has a place in human relationships.
In order to set appropriate levels of satisfaction and fulfillment in partnerships, both parties should express their intentions and expectations. Say it on a bullhorn if you have to. Just be sure to get your point across and don’t assume anything. I’m still surprised at some of the unfair demands people subconsciously place on their partners.
Many of these expectations are based on assumptions that were shaped long before the relationship is formed. Here are some of the typical areas of assumptions in romantic relationships:
- Gender conditioning (what it means be a man or a woman)
- Role assignment (what it means to be a husband or a wife)
- Division of labor (who is supposed to do what—chores, household tasks, money matters)
The Solution…
Based on the assumptive areas listed above ingrained in people’s head, the first step is to LET GO! This is 2012 people. There is no place for unrealistic expectations when all you have to do is speak up. How about this: if you love your partner so much, you would set expectations instead of giving demands to get what you want!
Just because you’d do something for someone else because you love them doesn’t mean they have to do the same. Everybody shows love and care the best way they can and if how they’re showing love isn’t up to your standards and communication reveals they never will, then it’s time to do something different. End of story….
Think about this: Before you set the stage for how someone should show their love for you and demand they do your bidding, consider your own so called love. If you loved that person unconditionally you wouldn’t think that a conditional statement is necessary. It’s an impossible sentence with inherent contradictions and pitfalls and benefits no one.
Note: There’s a Facebook page entitled “if you love me you would make an effort to make this relationship work” – no, I’m not linking to it because I don’t need you to support this crap…
Your turn…
What do you think about the phrase “If you love me, you would…?” I’d love to hear your thoughts below in the comments!
P.S. If you love me, you would share this post… LOL See much of a guilt trip it can be 
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Your blog is correct. However, I must admit that I have a bit of a control freak in me. I don’t mean to be controlling, but I am even without realizing it. My husband has known me for close to nineteen years, and knows my true intentions and fears.
I do my utter best not to use that statement, “if you love me, you will”. I also don’t like that statement either. I totally agree that we each show our love in our own ways.
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Crystal Green recently posted..A True Weight Loss Tip
Hey Crystal! I’m sure after 19 years, yes, your hubby knows what’s going on
Thanks for sharing your feedback!
~Kesha
Well said Kesha!
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Reminds me of the Sting song, “If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free”
Larry Lourcey recently posted..Are You A Guru?
Ahhhh, Sting….I just went to YouTube to listen to that song since you mentioned it
Thanks for stopping through Larry!
~Kesha
great points
i have to admit i never used that phrase in my relationship(s)
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i never felt secure enough – always thought that he for sure does not really love me …
and my ex was such a control freak and manipulated that he didnt needed to use it …
helen recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – The Eagle has landed
Interesting perspective Helen. It probably is a good thing you didn’t feel secure or comfortable saying it. It’s just another form of manipulation. On the other hand, I’m sorry to hear that your ex was such a butt hole to feel he needed to manipulate you. Glad we can say he’s an EX!
~Kesha
meanwhile i know that the ex “needed” it coz he is a very insecure person … but at the time in the relationship i didn.t realize
so sometimes it can be helpful just to step a step backwards to realiize the manipulative way of such statements …
love helen
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helen recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – The Eagle has landed
Well put. By starting our with the word “If” the person asking the question is showing that they have doubts, never mind the dreaded M word, manipulation.
That said, I am going to retweet this post because I like you bunches.
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Cheryl Calhoun recently posted..Feathers
LOL It’s great to have friends who like you
You’re awesome Cher Bear!
This is true. Love is supposed to be unconditional, period. Although expectations are normal in relationships, just make them realistic. Otherwise you’re just setting yourself and/or your partner for disaster and heartbreak. You can’t really demand things out of love, out from your partner. You can’t control other people’s feelings except our own. I say if you would use this phrase, use it to challenge yourself in an effort to love your significant other even more. (e.g. if I love him/her, I would….)
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Hannah Hamilton recently posted..The Best Bag for Every Type of Traveler
Ahhh, Hannah, I love how you turned it around on self and said “if I love him/her, I would…” I am with you 100% on that idea
Thanks so much for sharing your feedback!
~Kesha
Yep, called unconditional love, when there is no ifs. Along the same lines, reminds me of people marrying people that they want to change. “If they only changed this they would be perfect”; won’t happen. Do you think women do the if thing more than men? I think so.
Janet, it’s sad to see people STILL thinking they can change other people – when we already know how hard it is to change ourselves, let alone others!
~Kesha
I like your post Kesha. A relationship is never about ME alone, its about You, Me and Us. So it should not erode away the other person’s freedom and feelings, rather give personal space for both the partners to grow as individuals. I appreciate the way you said, loving your partner would mean setting some expectations but not demanding what you want.
Definitely so, ‘if you love me, you would…’ is out of my dictionary.
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Sarah Reece recently posted..Bluehost
Hi Kesha, LOL… well I have said that… but only in fun … and we’ve both laughed afterwards!! I think I said it once when it was snowing and the driveway needed shoveling. (something like that) but of course it was in fun.
I have heard people say it… can’t say who, but like you think it’s ridiculous.
Great topic for a post Kesha.
Best
Jayne
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Jayne Kopp recently posted..Starting an Online Business | The Tools and Fools That Turn You Off
Hey Jayne! In fun yes. It’s all good! See, you guys know that it’s not meant literally and can laugh about it so I give you both a pass LOL
Thanks for popping in deary
~Kesha
I agree we should not use that kind of language in our relationships. I think for some people it is a matter of communication skills. Learning a nother bettre more expressive and less demanding/controlling way of expressing what our expectations are. Learning what the other persons expectations are and seeing if the two can match up fairly smoothly.
I often used to think (have never said) regardin my ex If he loved me he would have made me more of a priority, been more honest, etc… I have since realized that he did love me however. His choices and expectations of how he should treat a woman did not match up to mine… hence I am single and looking
Stopping by from #flashbackfriday
Ha! Exactly, you figured it out! His idea of how to be in a relationship wasn’t the same as yours which mostly means it won’t work, unless, like you mentioned, both people are willing to communicate and adjust what they do.
There’s nothing wrong with being single until your Mr. comes along and you can be more clear on what you need and want in the meantime. Enjoy it girl!
~Kesha
I am 1000% in agreement with this. I get so upset when people tell me they’ve been told this and they did it because they didn’t want the other person to think they didn’t love them. Gets me MAD, like why do that to yourself. In the end you only have yourself to blame if you give into nonsense statements like that. Love the logic behind it, did I mention that I’m 1000% in agreement with this!
#FlashBackFriday from Chasing Joy
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djrelat7 recently posted..Picture Perfect Memories
Glad you stopped over chica and so grateful for your feedback!!
By the way, you didn’t mention how much you are in agreement with this post LOL
~Kesha
Chelle….If you loved me you would call out my people “control freaks”…especially those of us who use their powers for good instead of evil. LOL…seriously though great article. I smell a repost here!!
NikNik
Repost away deary!
Ahem, you use your powers for good?
Love you Muffin!
Hi Lakesha and nice meeting you. I’ve seen you on my blog and really wanted to make a point in coming here to meet you at your home.
Very interesting post. What’s very interesting is that in fact trying to control someone is the opposite of love, it’s pure selfishness.
I seen spouses trying to control their spouse, but also parents trying to control their children and I have really never ever liked that.
Thank you for pointing that out, dear
lot’s of people need to read this.
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Sylviane Nuccio recently posted..What Is Your Job And What Isn’t When It Comes To Manifest What You Want
I think I’m pretty fortunate Kesha that I’ve only been in one relationship in my entire life where the guy was like that. Unfortunately, I married him which is why I’m happily divorced. Oh and the marriage didn’t last long because I don’t put up with that crap.
I’m all about communication and realizing that we may not always think the same way but that we need to respect each other’s opinions. That’s what love is about.
Great post and great points. But then again, I don’t expect anything less from you.
~Adrienne
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Adrienne recently posted..How To Take Blog Commenting To The Next Level
I don’t think that I have ever said that unless it was when I was very young and it was to get candy
But, I do think the words sometimes without saying them. And that for instance, if my wife loves me, she would bring home pizza (but nothing too serious)
Your post sure made me think.
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Jens P. Berget recently posted..She turns me on
I don’t think I’ve ever heard a truly rational person say this. I mean, people say it, but the ones who mean it are the self-centered whiny little crabmeisters that nobody wants to be with anyway. It’s definitely a form of manipulation. Smart people don’t take that crap from anyone, let alone dish it out! And if people want to live like that then they can go live their happy co-dependent lives together elsewhere and I’ll hang out with someone else! Seriously it just plays to our guilt. I guess people who don’t have a strong enough self-esteem and are always second guessing themselves will fall for it. In that case, I’m sending them over here to this post!
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Carol Lynn recently posted..The No-BS Cliché-Free Guide To Creating Quality Content That People And Search Engines Will Love
“If you loved me you would..” will only lead to trouble. This kind of communication is conditional. Words like should, would, and could can break a relationship down very quickly.
I agree with Carol Lynn’s response that it is a form of manipulation. The truth is we cannot change anyone….we can only change ourselves!
If you communicate your feelings in a calm voice, eye to eye with your loved one and say something like “I feel anxious when you come home late…it is really becoming a problem with me” You will get more mileage out of that.
Communication is a skill. If you cannot let go, you are only hurting yourself.
Excellent topic!
Donna
That “If you love me you would…” statement is how my 1st child got here.
LBVS
For real though, you are SO right!! And so many times people get caught up in this. It took me a long time, but what now know is that I love myself–therefore I don’t **HAVE** to **prove** I love anyone else on this earth. I know that sounds harsh, but what I am saying is that whatever I do for someone, those actions are solely because **I** chose to do them; not because of having my hand being forced or being manipulated to believe the sky’s gonna fall if I don’t do it! LOL ~Very awesome post here Kesha!!!
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MELISASource recently posted..Demi Lovato, Barbie, and Body Image: Why Being Just Me Is Just Fine
LOL, now that is funny! I think a lot of kids may have been made that way!
I am glad that you’re at a point now where you know you don’t have to prove anything to anybody. That’s an awesome place to be isn’t it? Liberating, confident, loving… << a place I want all of us to be in!
I loved that you’ve shared your experience with us…I hope that others take heed from your feedback! *hugs*
I am definitely with you on this! You said it exactly right about other people putting a definition on how your love should be expressed. It’s just that simple, but just that demanding. Here’s a thought. If you let someone love you the way they know how to love you, you may find that you were really missing out on some amazing love you never even knew you could have. Life is a wonderful gift, try letting it surprise you sometime!
Great post Kesha!