I was reading an article in Success Magazine recently that gave an example of how to deal with an energy vampire at work. Since I secretly (I guess the cat’s out the bag now though) wanted to be a vampire (like one of the Cullens in the Twilight Series), I knew I had to read the article and see what they were talking about.
I knew immediately that the type of vampire they described was not only one I am not and would never want to become but one which I’ve encountered in my life – and I think we all have!
What is an Energy Vampire?
Energy Vampires (EV) live among us, look just like us, and can even be some of our closest friends and immediate family members. But that’s where the similarities end.
They’re vampiric M.O. is not to steal our blood; noooooo, they want our precious energy. Our mojo. Our life force.
They want to drain us mentally, physically, and emotionally. They seek pity, attention (especially when not deserved), and are often very cynical and bitter. They don’t take responsibility for their actions, are never accountable, love misery, and want us to wallow in that same misery with them. Their talent seems to be that they can find the negative in everything and after being around them, our life force seems drained and void of any positivity and optimism we once had. We are left emotionally exhausted!
Does any of this sound familiar? Does anyone come to mind when reading this description???
How to Deal with Energy Vampires
- The first step in dealing with anything is identification. I, for one, know exactly who I have in mind and so as not to bust him out here on the blog (I’ve addressed it with him personally already), I’ll just call him J. It seems to never fail that when I talk to or be around J, some form of negativity shows up. Sometimes, when I go away from J, I feel drained. I don’t feel like myself and it’s not a pleasant feeling.
- Now that you’ve identified them, don’t continue to buy into their “woe-is-me”-ful ways. Sometimes, we try to help them, try to be positive for them, and feel pity for them (not knowing this is exactly what they want), and in doing so, we create even bigger monsters. They still find a way to turn situations into something negative.
- Avoidance – in my case, I can’t avoid the person. You might be in the same boat. Maybe they’re an immediate family member, a co-worker, etc. If avoidance is not an option, you have to be brave and give it to them straight about how you feel being around them. In the end, it will work out better for you once you’ve created some rules of engagement. I’ve had to do this with J because complete avoidance is not an option. I only talk to him or be around when I absolutely have to!
- Turn it back to them. Once they’ve whined and complained, ask a question like “So now that you know what your issues are, how are you going to make it better?” or “What ways can you identify making your situation better?” This can help them at least try to seek solutions. For me, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. When it doesn’t, I’m outty 5000!
- Boundaries – In lieu of completely avoiding someone, decide how much time you’ll actually spend around him at one time and stick to your guns. Once that time is up, leave or do whatever you have to do to get away from them. This gets easier for me every time. My time is usually cut to about 20 minutes tops. More than that, I know I won’t be able to take what’s coming!
Note: I’ve even had to ask people J and I are both connected with to not talk about him in my presence because even THAT can be draining for me. Just to see other people sucked into his ”woe-is-me” tales makes me sick.
Your turn…
Do you have any energy vampires in your life? How do you deal with them?
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Another great post, Kesha.
I tend to take the avoidance route when the person is so “All about me and my problems” that talking with them about it creates another problem, giving them one more reason to play the “victim”.
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Cheryl Calhoun recently posted..The Rest of the Story
Yeah, it seems avoidance is the best thing to do sometimes (ok most of the time!).
Thanks for the kind words too deary!
I like this post, Kesha. People who have no energy themselves want to suck yours and make you like them.Hit them with the #4 question and watch them burn into ash (figuratively speaking, of course).
LOL, now THAT was funny Dwayne!! That hasn’t happened to me yet but you’ll be the first person to know when I get somebody to burn into ash!
~Kesha
This is a hard one – I have a dear friend whose company I really enjoy, but her negativity not so much. Its hard to try and bring out the best and have your kids focus on seeing the good in others first, when you have a friend who tends to focus on the other. Very draining and makes me sad …
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So what do you do when that person is around? #curious Do you limit your time around her? Do you tell her she’s being negative? What are your tactics?
Actually its really taking its toll … bit I remain hopeful. Sometimes I tell her to refocus and recently on the phone I started to give it a minimum and then cut the conversation if its heading one sided after ten minutes or so.
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But it distresses me a great deal
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Turning it back to them is good.
It’s definitely something I’m doing more of now too Janet.
I love all the tools Kesha! Great post!
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Thanks deary! Glad you liked
Oh. My. GOD. Do I relate. I’ve had to “break up” with friends who were emotional vampires. It was hella hard to do, but such a huge relief not to have them sucking me dry all the time anymore!
The biggest challenge is when you *can’t* avoid them. Good for you for creating rules of engagement with J! I’m sure that helps a lot.
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Melissa, thanks for commenting deary and, yes, we have to break up with friends (and family) sometimes and it gets hard when they’re unavoidable.
On the other hand, like you said, it’s such a huge relief for us and even though we may care deeply for others, we have to take care of us the best we can and if that means stepping back a little, then so be it!
Lovely to see you over at the blog!
~Kesha
Hi Kesha,
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I’ve had my share of energy vampires and when avoiding them is not entirely possible, I just do my best to limit my interactions with them.
I also discourage negative talk at home and motivate my kids to always look at the bright side of things.
Negativity will affect our work and relationships and it’s better to be around people who inspire and encourage us.
Thanks for your tips!
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And thank you for sharing your thoughts and commenting Theresa!
Speaking of kids, I feel sorry/pity for the energy vampires who have kids because their kids are learning to be that way indirectly, creating more vampires – and not the good kind
~Kesha
interesting. I will have to agree. However at the same time no. they must be avoided. but I wonder how actors in hollywood do it. unless they are vampires themselves…still if you take some one who has postive.
i just ignore them, and don’t interact with those kinds of people
Huh? What’s that? Oh sorry… I’m ignoring you.
Thanks for commenting!
I hear you about avoidance. I believe that “what you resist persists.” I’ve had to stop running from these types of people and (like you suggest) set some boundaries. It wasn’t easy at first, but it’s gotten easier over time.
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And you know what Kim, setting boundaries has made me feel much better! It seemed to take much more energy to avoid (as in the case with J) than just come on out and speak my mind.
So glad to hear it gets easier over time!
so succinct and to the point. I love how you laid this out and showed how we can set boundaries with respect for ourselves and the other person.
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Hey Stephanie! Thanks so much for your kind words and for adding your feedback! Hope to see you back soon
~Kesha
This could be unwittingly cruel. The symptoms of an energy vampire are also A typical of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Yes you could be dealing with someone with an undiagnosed mental health issue. So before you judge and then abandon what might be someone you actually care about, maybe use that relationship to get them help. There are possibly as many as 10% of the population that suffer personality disorders and this ranks high amongst them. If you have someone who is truly this negative around you, please look into the professional help they might seek. I don’t believe this was meant to be deliberately cruel so I just though I would try and raise some awareness.
No, you’re right Hoeby. The question then becomes how can you get help for someone who doesn’t seem to want it or think there is anything wrong? I’d love to hear your feedback.
~Kesha
There are therapies that are showing some success but the key thing is to get the person to realise there is an issue. Now the likely hood is they will know something is wrong but the will feel very guarded about this. Imagine waking up everyday into a world that feels so hostile and negative, not only that but also have some understanding that you are unusual in feeling this way. It’s a very isolating disorder in many ways, a very lonely one.
So the only way you might feel ready to approach this issue would be if people you respect and care about show you some support and guidance. Why not start by reading some literature about Borderline Personality Disorder and other similar disorders. Gain a little more understanding about it and see if possibly this could be a possible cause. From then on there is no correct way to approach a friend with this issue and it might well be very difficult. If however with understanding you manage to get them to see they might have a “treatable” issue and their life could get better you would have done one of the least negative things in your life.
Great tips. It sounds like you have a lot of experience working with this so if you have an online space where you talk about these types of issues, let me know and I can share a link to your site.
Thanks again for sharing your knowledge and expertise!
i divorced the biggest energy vampire in my life.
took me 11 years to figure out that he was an EV (or still is).
but spotting one makes it easier to spot other similar people.
most times: don.t touch.
if not possible to avoid them i try to minimize contact!
thanks for the great post!
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Thank you Helen for sharing your experience and how you’ve dealt with it. Divorce (breaking up) is one of the ways to get rid of EVs if I’ve ever seen one! Otherwise, you would most likely have been miserable. Thanks for your tip of minimizing contact too.
On the other hand, as a touchy feely person, I wish that my contact would pass on some of the positivity
~Kesha
boy howdy, did this resonate with me!!! i used to flee cities to be able to start over EV-free…and then i learned the absolute magic and power of boundaries and making the other person accountable. what a frick frack life changer!! thank you for the super tips Kesha!!! always important to stay armed ‘n’ ready in case an energy vamp should creep up… (however,i openly welcome the other kind of vampires, especially if they’re anything like David Bowie in “The Hunger”
) lovely week to you!
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LOL me and you both could go for the “other” kind of vampire! You had me bugging up with your comment (I’m gonna start using frick frack!)
Thanks so much for commenting deary! Talk soon
~Kesha
I’m about to make a horrible pun. Ready?
Energy vampires suck.
I know, I know. But I couldn’t help myself.
Something about my brain let me clue into these kinds of people at an early age, so I totally identify with all of the avoidance tactics you’re talking about. It gets super tricky, though, when the EV is in your family or someone you can’t avoid being in contact with. Also, sometimes when you manage to remove them from your life, they’ll latch onto someone else you’re close to and turn them against you. Terrifying stuff! I think the best tactic you mentioned is turning it back on them. Better than garlic!
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Tee hee! Funny LOL…very fitting for the situation Ellie
Ahhh, I didn’t see the “latch on to someone else” trick coming but now that you’ve mentioned it, I realize that it may be happening! Thanks for adding that bit. I need to be on the lookout for that and try to stop it before it indirectly affects me!
BTW: the garlic trick didn’t work! LOL
~Kesha
Oh yes… the energy vampires, the crazymakers, those you wish to run screaming from. Great tips! I will be re-reading this throughout the day and sharing it with everyone I know!
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You are absolutely awesome Robyn for sharing and I truly appreciate it!
Thanks deary!! Hope it helps someone else be free of EVs
~Kehsa
Love the way you break it down so we can take charge and not get pulled into bing vampires ourselves. I find that when someone is being negative, I try to acknowledge where they are coming from and shift the focus. When I notice that a friend is being sucked into negativity by someone else I here them out and point out that we can only change our responses to others. This lets off the pressure to take on or take personally what the negativity is about. Let it slide, detach -or you’ll become a vampire yourself!
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Ahhh, spontaneous vampirism sucks! (pun intended LOL)
It may sound simple to “let it slide” and I can tell you for me it’s been a constant practice to make it easier every time
Thanks so much for sharing your value added feedback Petrea!!
~Kesha
I’ve given this topic a LOT of thought as I’ve worked to keep those people in my life who truly uplift me and gently let go of those who do not. I find that by clearly focusing on what I want in my friends the “energy vampires” often just drift away. It’s happened enough times that I no longer chock it up to coincidence.
Thanks for the great suggestions!
The Pleasure Nutritionist
I, like you, don’t believe in coincidences either
So glad the EVs drift away for you and hopefully don’t show their ugly faces anymore!
Thanks so much for sharing Daphne!
~Kesha
I have had far too many close encounters with energy vampires in my lifetime. I think when I was younger I did not have clear boundaries and so would allow others to encroach, and expect, more than was rightfully theirs to take. In the last few years I’ve worked hard on having clearer boundaries and cutting cords with those who no longer serve me. It’s an ongoing process – thanks for the helpful tips.
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And thank you Jo for sharing and commenting! Yes, it’s an ongoing process we all go through; luckily it gets easier as time goes on
~Kesha
I love this blog!! I also love the idea of turning it back on them. I have to admit, I think I may have been one of those bleeding vampire type people. It took not having a wonderful person want to spend time around me for me to see it, but I do wish she had been bold enough to tell me this. Sometimes us vampires aren’t realizing we’re doing it.
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Now you know I can’t say thank you enough for your lovely compliments on the blog. *hugs and smooches*
The operative words you used are “have been” so I’m glad you’re no longer a “bleeding vampire”
I’m so glad you mentioned the fact that there was someone around you that caused you to see what was going on. She most likely was using the avoidance method from the sound of it. I wholeheartedly agree that sometimes people don’t know they’re doing what they’re doing until something like what you’ve experienced happens.
So here’s a question for you: what could your friend have said to you that would have made you realize you were an EV? I’m curious because maybe that will give me (and anyone else reading) the courage and insight into what they could say to people they know.
~Kesha
Honestly, I really don’t know what she could have said. She did say that she only wanted to be around “positive people and people who helped keep her happy.” Mind you, when she met me I was pregnant with Zeva, and my pregnancy was a living nightmare. So, all she really got to know was the whining side of me. I figured since she has five kids herself, she’d understand. However, she had easy pregnancies. So, I don’t know.
She is a very upbeat easy going wonderful person, but she just pulled away from me. (I was complaining A LOT!!!) So, I honestly can’t blame her.
However, if she had told me that my whining was bothering her when I did flat out ask her if I was annoying her, I probably would have complained a whole lot less around her. I would have let her positivity rub off on me more for sure. When I’m not dealing with physical issues, I’m a pretty positive person too, but she never got to see that side of me because she didn’t stick around. Sometimes people are going through a trialing time in their lives, and that’s when they need people the most. Sometimes when they are doing a lot of whining they are needing support to get through it. (Just my take on the situation.)
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I feel you Crystal and thanks so much for being candid and sharing your thoughts. You’re right too that sometimes those are the times people need others most. I guess it just depends on the personality of the other person and if they are capable/willing to be there for ya
~K
Plus one to this.
My most reliable measure for this is do I feel better for talking to the person? Often I feel exhausted by the encounter as if someone had drained the life force out of me – I don’t need to know anything else other than how I feel afterwards in order to know one when I see one.
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What if the EV is your child?
Hmmm, great question. The EV I was referring to in this post is an immediate family member but who doesn’t live with/near me so I was able to use avoidance as a tactic. Let me ask you these questions first though: 1) Is this child an adult still living with you? 2) Have you had a calm discussion with the child to let him know how you feel when you’re around him? If not, do you think you can do so amicable?
Let me know your response because this is an important topic and I’m going to open up your question for further development too to help others as well who may have the same issue. Stay tuned!
Let me preface before revealing my child’s age by saying that he is incredibly gifted, verbally and artistically. His reasoning skills and vocabulary are incredible and blows most peoples minds when they come in contact with him. Initially.
After spending time with him, he will literally drain you physically and emotionally. He just turned four. Trust me, in writing this you have to realize that my spouse and I have exhausted about every possibility for quite some time. We’ve seen western doctors, natural paths, even various therapists but nothing seems to help. He DEMANDS everything!
Again, we realize that it is the nature of a young child to have such attributes, I’m a school teacher and my wife is believe it or not, a therapist, but something is definitely always been different about our child. From weeks old, he has demanded our undivided attention and has not ceased since. We are firm, we understand boundaries, we say “no” politely, a lot. But as my wife says, he “goads us”, looks for a way or an outlet to become frustrated. This EV characteristic is not only noticeable to my wife and I but to other people who work with him in his life. Even grandma is totally on board with this one! He sucks you dry! There has never and I sincerely mean, never in his life, been any amount of time that he has been able to do anything on his own without our undivided attention. Except now, our attention is never good enough and it’s like he’s constantly trying to do the opposite of what we ask and argue. We are good parents, we make mistakes, but we have always been there and have never denied him with the essentials-especially love. He has a younger sibling who is thankfully, an absolute joy, completely opposite of him 100%. Unfortunately, when we firmly set the boundary that we as parents are busy, he uses his baby sibling as bait, non-aggressively but in a way that he knows will get our attention. This has baffled my wife and I for four solid years now. He just started seeing a reputable play therapist but in the meantime our family unit is anything but harmonious. I will note, he goes to a wonderful school and we allow little to no t.v. In fact, just one t.v show occasionally was too much of a power struggle so just recently we completely removed the television. He does LOVE art and as an art teacher, he blows my mind in his abilities. He just can’t self regulate and is arguing and DEMANDS are getting out of hand. He goes from 0 to 10 at the drop of a hat and constantly asks us redundant questions that he knows the answer to. He’s also has an obsession with zombies that drives everyone and even his friends crazy.
If this sounds like anyone else’s young child please speak up! My wife and I and many many others who have got to know him agree, that we have never met anyone quite like this.