I ran across an infographic about cohabitation before marriage and thought it very interesting.
Religious views aside, many people claim living together can be justified because it’s convenient, makes it a great way to “test” a relationship before marriage, and allows you to really see how another person lives and handles situations on a daily basis.
Could cohabitation actually lead to more successful marriages? Are there negative consequences of pre-marital cohabitation for the long-term prospects of a relationship?
Of course, there are studies and views on both sides. According to Meg Jay from MyMove.com, an expert from the University of Virginia, there is a link between divorce and living together before marriage. There’s also a CDC study that basically states that cohabitation before marriage decreases the likelihood the marriage will last. Then there’s ThisIsYourConscience who believes it makes you immature to “Play House” before marriage.
On the other hand, in a survey conducted by the National Marriage Project, nearly half of 20-somethings agreed with the statement, “You would only marry someone if he or she agreed to live together with you first, so that you could find out whether you really get along.” About two-thirds said they believed that moving in together before marriage was a good way to avoid divorce.
In addition, “cohabitation needs to be viewed not only as a legitimate end-state in itself, but also as a legitimate form of pre-marriage,” says William Pinsof, family psychologist at Northwestern University via the Alternatives to Marriage Project.
What They Say
Well, I went out and solicited other people’s thoughts. And the survey says…
There are arguments to be made both for and against cohabitation before marriage. It offers the financial benefit of being able to save substantially on monthly bills, and it’s a great way for a couple to see if they are truly compatible with one another. It may even help couples avoid going through a divorce if they learn early on that things just aren’t going to work out.
On the other hand, living together for a significant period of time may lead one partner to be turned off by the concept of marriage. Also, if two people rush into living together, it could destroy the relationship, as it requires drastic changes in lifestyle and a massive reduction of privacy and alone time. These transitions are tough to make overnight.
It may even be a wise idea to utilize a “trial period” to ease into cohabitation: Live together for one week or a month on-and-off to see how things go before jumping in 100%.
Andrew Schrage, co-owner of Money Crashers Personal Finance
I met my husband in July and we got married the following October. We didn’t live together which made moving in together after the wedding more special and more of a change. Cohabitation no longer has the stigma it once did, but perhaps still has emotional consequences. I think when you live together, there’s a sense that you’re trying something out, and as an experiment, there’s a delay in making a final decision about your future together.
I’ve known people to date four or five years, while living together, and though the woman would like to get married, often feels at the mercy of her partner to make up his mind. I have known engaged couples who have lived together and these seem more likely to follow through with marriage.
Mohana Rajakumar, Connect on Twitter
I am a life coach and have numerous clients who have relationship experience that backs up the importance of living with someone before marriage and I have my own personal experience that proves the same. When you live with someone your relationship will exponentially flourish or deteriorate. Every nuance that seemed like an adorable quirk begins to suffocate you when you are sharing your closet space and refrigerator, not to mention household chores.
I’m not suggesting moving in with everyone you date after 3 months- that would cause your head to spin and your neighbors to be confused…but if your relationship is progressing towards marriage or something serious- long term you should advance to living together while continuing to move forward, making sure you’re compatible, compromising and that there are no big surprises.
One of 2 things will happen- You will know you have made the right decision or you will know you are with the wrong person faster then you would have otherwise realized, and both are valuable lessons.
Diane Holcombe, RN Life and Wellness Coach, Connect on Twitter
Steve Siebold says you wouldn’t buy a car without a test drive, or choose a church without listening to a sermon first, so why would you marry someone without living with them or even sleeping with them first?
He says when a couple makes the leap from dating to marriage, it’s a lousy gamble that rarely pays off. This is one of the reasons divorce, infidelity and unhappiness are so common. He says living together is growing in popularity as the population evolves through higher education and becomes more socially sophisticated.
Siebold believes that living together before marriage is an intelligent trial before making a lifelong commitment to someone. It’s only common sense to minimize the risk of making a mistake if you have the choice. Living together accomplishes many things, including heightened emotional intimacy, discovery of one another’s personal habits, and maybe most importantly, sexual compatibility. Marrying someone you’ve never made love to is tempting fate. Steve says sex and intimacy issues are two of the primary causes of divorce. Additionally, Steve lived with his wife for two years before they were married, and they’ve been together for 26 years.
Steve Siebold is author of the book Sex, Politics and Religion: How Delusional Thinking is Destroying America. Connect on Twitter
I am 42 years old and I have been married twice and both marriages we lived with each other prior to getting married. I believe in it because it allows you to work out kinks – for both of you to find out if being married is really going to work without having to go through a wedding and all that expense to get divorced. I believe that living together says we are committed to each other the wedding/marriage is a statement that says we are in this together, forever.
Not getting to know each other before marriage can be a big let down once you are married and living together is not as you thought it would be causing tension – I think the expectations are higher when you don’t live together to live in this fantasy of happily ever after, if you live together first and get all the kinks out then after the wedding you can live happily ever after. I don’t think you truly ever know someone completely until you spend years with that person.
Life will throw all kinds of challenges your way and none of us can predict how we are going to react to that.
When my current wife and I decided to tell her 9-year-old daughter that we were going to get married and that I was moving in, the poor little thing FREAKED OUT! For some reason, “the paper” was going to ruin everything! Although she cares for me, she had high hopes that her parents would get back together, and she felt that accepting me meant giving up loyalty to her daddy.
Long story short, we brainstormed and agreed that I would move in for a two-month trial basis w/o getting married. The idea was to see how it worked out. Well, she did not agree to the marriage for six months, but finally “gave” us her permission. Anyway, we actually celebrated our anniversary about two years ago when we exchanged vows and rings alone in Butchard Gardens on vacation. -Anonymous
I just got married in June. This is my 2nd marriage. My first marriage where I did not live with my soon to be husband was a disaster. I chose to move in with my second husband before we got married because I wanted a full year to see exactly who he was before we got married. We decided to live together after he proposed and I think it was a good decision (even though I was raised to think otherwise). - Anonymous
I lived with a woman before marriage, and we ended up not getting married. While there is of course no way to know if it would have worked out, there is no question in my mind that tensions were raised by a lack of personal space for each of us. To this day, I advise all friends moving in together (married or not), to take the amount of space you’d think you’d need (usually, a room each), and then double it. Each person needs a place in the home to escape to, or they’ll start dreading coming home, which is a bad place to be.
- Greg
Thanks to all those who provided their input!!!
Check out this infographic and its findings.
(click image to view full view)
Over to you…
What say you? Do you think cohabitation before marriage can help or hurt a marriage? Weigh in family!
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I totally believe in cohabitation before marriage, I think not doing it is a recipe for disaster. The first year of marriage is so very important, you are still learning how to deal with quirks ups and downs. It helps to bond you both and create strategies to move past rough patches.
Very interesting topic here, Kesha. I agree with Kahlief, cohabitation is definitely a way to go. It’s not the only way nor does it work for everyone, but I would be interested in knowing what I was getting before signing my name on the dotted line of marriage. My companion and I have lived together for four of the five years we’ve been together. Even though the states don’t recognize our union, I’m totally glad that we each decided that this was the way to go for us. So that whenever our “Big Day” rolls around, there will be no hesitation whatsoever in either of us saying, “I do.”
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Deone Higgs recently posted..John Legend “Show Me” Song
Hey Kesha,
Oh girl, don’t get me started.
I agree with Deone, I 100% believe in cohabitation. I’ve lived with four different guys in my life and one of them I married. We did better living together then actually being married. He was a control freak so once he had that ring on my finger, my life as I knew it was history.
I believe that if two people truly love each other it doesn’t matter whether they live together before they get married or if they even get married at all. I know that for me, when I’m committed to someone I don’t need a piece of paper to prove that fact. Marriage is for some people but it’s no longer for me. I don’t have to go through those steps to prove my love and commitment to anyone.
See, that’s the differences of opinions that we all have and thank goodness for that.
Great topic and I actually stopped myself because this could be a mini-post for me girl.
~Adrienne
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Adrienne recently posted..Taking Responsibility For Your Lack Of Success And Where You Need To Start
My feelings are mixed and I think its one of those things that doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all answer. I lived with my husband before marriage, however at the time we didn’t do it as a test drive. We were already engaged, his roommate was moving, and it didn’t make any sense for either of us to get into another lease separately that close to our wedding date.
I don’t think it took anything away, but I don’t know if it would have changed anything if we hadn’t done it. At some point I feel like just about anyone you live with is going to do something to get on your nerves bad enough to want to leave, and test drive or not the only thing that will keep you there is how committed you are to the relationship.
This was an interesting article. My opinion is clouded by the fact that I am a Christian wife and mother that has been happily married for 22 years.
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Personally I think that living together before marriage is no more helpful to keeping a couple together than if they don’t. If the point is to get to know each other as far as how they are in a cohabitation setting, then taking various extended vacations will definitely help with that. My thought is marriage requires work, plain and simple, but marriage is also a journey. If you are going on a car trip, isn’t half the fun viewing the countryside? Trying to eliminate as many undesired elements before marriage is to a degree an exercise in futility. Sometimes, what breaks up a marriage was not for seen in living together. I lived with my husband prior to marriage, not to test drive. We were already engaged and I was coming from one state to join him in his state. It just made sense to not incur two households before marriage. In my opinion, so many today want an escape hatch for life. However, many will still get married even if they see the compatibility is not the best. They do so simply because they feel they have invested time and energy and don’t forget the “how will it look to others” factor. So in the end the hurt is the same, marriage or not. Finances may greatly be affected as well as in some states depending on the length of time you can be considered common law. Marriage is a journey that has highs and lows yes, just don’t forget it is a journey. Pack accordingly, and enjoy the scenery.
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Caroll recently posted..Don’t bet on better!
Great post. In my opinion, cohabitation before marriage is not the right way to go. Usually, people will get too comfortable living with one another to the point where they see no need for marriage. Living separately before marriage will give the partners something special to look forward to after marriage.
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Shelda Raymonvil recently posted.."It Takes a Village to Raise a Child" -Shelda Raymonvil
I lived with my husband for a year before we got married. He moved in Aug 2010, he proposed Sept 2011 and we were married Jun 2012. We are newlyweds yes. However, when he moved in I wasn’t thinking about married. I was the “I’m never getting married” girl. I had no issues with having a long term relationship. He was moving to my state from another so I let him move in with me. I was nervous because I could’ve made a HUGE mistake. In the end, he moved in with me so if worse came to worse I could kick him out. That was my logic then. When he did move in. We meshed immediately. We found out how similar our living styles were. How we both handle money. He’s a bit more frugal than me. Getting married prior, was never on my mind. I wasn’t planning on it. My parents were, but not me. Now I can’t think of not living with him. I really didn’t have to change who I am and he didn’t change.
I digressed. I think it is an absolute necessity to move in together prior marriage. You learn whether you really are compatible and can handle the daily issues together. Dating living separate vs dating living together is very different. You don’t get a full picture of the person. Once he leaves you, you have no idea what he up to. It’s a whole different world when you share space.
I am pro for living together before you marry.
I for cohabitation. I have been married three times and have cohabitated with each one. The first two turned on me the moment I said “I do.” The relationship changed for the worst.
Oh what’s a gal to do. I do take responsibility for making the wrong decisions. It was a time where I was in a different head space. Maybe I was too young? Who knows.
What I do know is that I finally “got it” with my current husband. We lived together for seven years. When he proposed I laughed so much ….poor thing was in shock. But we did marry. In fact we married twice!
-Donna
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Donna Merrill recently posted..Is Your Home Office Like A 19th Century Factory?
I am totally for it and it has saved me heartache too. Not everyone we live with will work out, but I would like to be forewarned than find out when its too late and I have too much invested. Everyone’s situation is always going to be different and will either work or it won’t. It just depends on both people. Good topic!
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Sonia recently posted..How To Customize Your Twitter Header with PicMonkey
Good Morning Lakesha, Gee, this is a stiff subject as I am Catholic. The Catholic religion is very very strict with this subject. In fact if our priest knows a couple is living together before marriage, he will not even allow the marriage in the church. With this said, my daughter made the decision to move in with her now “soon to be husband”. Since I am a strong catholic, oh my! I really did not know how to handle the situation as I sure was not consulted before the fact. My daughter is 25 and I never really made it a rule to interfere with any of my children’s personal lives once they reached that magic 21 age. The only thing I knew to show my disagreement was, I just did not visit her at their place of residence.
I will be enjoying my daughters wedding April 27, 2013. I am excited!
I have mixed feelings about this as well. I don’t think I would have married my ex-husband if we had lived together before we got married. After having that experience, I’m more open to living with someone, but as a Christian, I wrestle with the thought. I want my relationship to please God, but I also want to walk into it eyes open, with some idea of what I’m signing up for.
I hate to be a party pooper but here’s my opinion: I don’t care. I think grown adults have every right to do what they want, whether they think living together is a good idea or not. No study or statistic in the world will convince me that one thing is better than another. You could show me a study that says 100% of people who live together (or don’t) will get divorced and I still wouldn’t care! Those studies have a million biases anyway. Here’s what works: whatever works. The only thing that bugs me is when people do things because of pressures that have nothing to do with what they want (ie: religion, parents’ values, cultural expectations, etc). We make this stuff up in our heads about what’s right because someone else told us it’s right, or someone else is pressuring us. Or else someone else disapproves so much that we succumb and we pretend we’re doing the right thing when what we’re really doing is the right thing for someone else. It’s a personal decision and people should be allowed to sit down and consider their reasons, their fears, their expectations – and make a decision. And how about this for an idea: people may even want to live together and NEVER get married (gasp). So “living together” isn’t some kind of prerequisite to some other requirement. It’s just something we have chosen to do!
PS: In full disclosure, I did not live with my husband before we got married and that was 100% about not doing anything that would freak my parents out and force them to live the rest of their lives lamenting what failures they were raising me.
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Carol Lynn recently posted..Build A Better Website: Take Your Home Page From Trampoline To Magnetic Selling Tool
i have conflicting feelings about this. my old school feeling is that if you want a woman to live with you it better be with the promise/intention of getting married. no woman wants to waste her time on a man who won’t marry her (that is, a woman who wants to marry).
that said, if you’re living as roommates (different bedrooms), that’s different; sharing expenses is a smart option.
alternately, since i realize i am old school, what a couple wants to do with their own private lives is their decision and unless she is MY DAUGHTER i dont care so long as the decision is mutual.
deciding who and when to take out the trash is not a reason to avoid marriage. a decision to marry OR NOT should be based on deeper and smarter reasons.
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pammypam recently posted..The Black Count and Alex Haley- FLTW
Kesha,
This is a very interesting article. Love the facts behind it. I heard this topic on NPR not too long ago as well. Steve Siebold’s rationale is very cleverly stated. Thanks for sharing lady.
I guess it all depends on the person, right? I am not married yet, but I do not plan on living with my boyfriend to see if we are compatible for marriage. While a big part of that has to do with my respect and relationship with God, I do not see why one could not get to know someone without living together. I have known my boyfriend since high school and we were friends before that for years. I consider him my best friend and I accept flaws and all as he accepts me likewise. We have taken many vacations together and that helps, I guess once can say that is mini trials or mini live together situations. Obviously the longer the vacation the more likely you are to drive each other nuts, which is why we both give each other space. However, marriage, is not something to take lightly, its a commitment that says you are there with the other til death parts you. it is work, real work and if you find that person, that you want to spend the rest of your life with them, then you will work at it. There are the few exceptions that would undo those thoughts; but I feel confident in the person I’m thinking of marrying. The people I know who have been in live in together situations, they seemed to end in horrible break-ups; and that is not cheap either.
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DjRelAt7 recently posted..Our hardships are our lessons to share with others
hi Kesha
I am for it but if someone just wants to get married then that is okay too.
I married my first husband when I was only 19. It was back at a time when that is what people did to move out of home. That marriage lasted 2 years. I wish we had just lived together.
I have grown up step kids who have all lived with their partners. Two couples will probably never get married. They all have kids too.
In Australia it is very common for people to live together first.
Sue
Hi Kesha,
I don’t think it should matter. In my opinion we’re better off getting to know the person in depth before getting married.
So many marriages seem to fail in the first few years that i think it would be better living together first, just to make sure.
They do say that you never really know someone until you’ve either been on holiday with them or lived with them and I tend to agree with that.
I’ve been married for 23 years now but we did live together first for about 18 months or so and we’re still going strong
Barry
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Barry Wells recently posted..Gravatars, Easy As 1 2 3
Hi Kesha,
Very interesting post.
I have seen couples divorce in both camps, some had been living together before marriage and some had not.
There is something undeniable, though, it’s that your can really start knowing a person only when you live in close quarters with them, so for those who are moving together only after they married need to darn well know each other, otherwise they are in for some type of surprises for sure. But again, I know some people for whom that worked though.
So, in the end it’s about knowing each other and finding the person that’s right for you. If you do, you’ll be fine either way.
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Sylviane Nuccio recently posted..Why Do You Need To Use The Law Of Detachment To Attract What You Want
I go for living together for a few years if this will make marriage more lasting in the end. If the couple however feels more comfortable getting married, then it’s their decision. I used to say, ‘just make sure you don’t end up a statistic too’ (on divorced cases). At the end of the day, what matters is that they live happily despite the trying times.
Nice topic this one-food for thought indeed. In my culture, co-habitation prior to marriage is unacceptable by the society. Women living-in with their partners without having the sacred “mangal sutra” around their necks are simply frowned upon. Many apartment complexes also have rules against such forms of co-habitation. Women like these are termed as loose and without morals- Things are changing though and many are beaking these traditional rules.
My thoughts?-to each his own. Adults-consenting ones -have a right to live their lives, the way they want.
Thanks for the share!
While Ape and I never specifically set out to cohabitate, we did. We got engaged and stayed in our respective houses until just under a year before the Big Day. We had been making our plans for the wedding and for life after, and we found a great deal on an apartment we couldn’t pass up. That’s what led us to cohabitate ^^
Even so, I think it gives each person valuable insights into the other, and into the union of souls as well. It’s nice to find out early if your morning ablutions will drive the other insane. If you both do breakfast or dinner the same way. If chore-time works out in a sensible and balanced manner.
Her father wasn’t on board but we had already been engaged for 18 months BEFOREHAND so I figured our commitment was obvious. And because of that length, we got to do something I tell people is even more illuminating as to compatibility: We vacationed together more than once and a long car ride plus being stuck in an unfamiliar hotel room will shed light on all the surfaces of each other’s personalities in a hurry!
Fast forward 18 years – still super happily married and we have three wonderful kids. Wouldn’t trade our time together before or since the wedding for anything!